im a toys r us kid

i feel like im running in place.. trying to grow up and be the person i want to be.. but at the same time standing completely still in every single way..

[Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that..]
--alice in wonderland--

even though im in college im not really advancing because i cant decide what i really want to do for the rest of my life.. i have interests but none that i want to commit to.. i love literature but dont know how to use this love towards a career.. my whole life i have wanted to teach but now that ive questioned that ambition i feel lost.. like im just floating around waiting for the wind to sweep me to where i need to be..

im getting a house very soon but i cant let myself be excited because im terrified of something going wrong again.. the heartache of being let down is harder than i could ever explain and i despise that feeling more than anything.. it is so hard to watch something wonderful happen and not be able to be truly happy about it..

being engaged is supposed to be this amazing thing but i feel like the person whos opinion i care most about isnt happy for me and i feel like im supposed to feel ashamed for finally being lucky in love.. i wish that they could be happy with me and know that things would never change between us and honestly believe that..

i hate my job but love the people i work with.. i feel so comfortable with my knowledge of what my job requires and im too afraid to leave it behind and get better one.. i worry that i wont be able to escape my dead end job because of all my insecurities with change..

the worst part is the people i want to share these feelings with i cant for some reason or another.. some just arent here anymore.. others never have been.. and some seem like they dont want to be involved.. and so i keep all these thoughts and feelings to myself.. hoping things will fall into place eventually..