oh percy...

"And all the shows o' the world are frail and vain."
-Percy Bysshe Shelley

why...

why does everything crumble apart no matter how much you try to keep it together.. is love enough to make it all worth while.. does trust ever return on its own.. or is it something that you have to search for each and everyday.. hoping to stumble upon it and have your life go back to normal.. why is everything so hard.. i guess im not so lucky afterall..

im a toys r us kid

i feel like im running in place.. trying to grow up and be the person i want to be.. but at the same time standing completely still in every single way..

[Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that..]
--alice in wonderland--

even though im in college im not really advancing because i cant decide what i really want to do for the rest of my life.. i have interests but none that i want to commit to.. i love literature but dont know how to use this love towards a career.. my whole life i have wanted to teach but now that ive questioned that ambition i feel lost.. like im just floating around waiting for the wind to sweep me to where i need to be..

im getting a house very soon but i cant let myself be excited because im terrified of something going wrong again.. the heartache of being let down is harder than i could ever explain and i despise that feeling more than anything.. it is so hard to watch something wonderful happen and not be able to be truly happy about it..

being engaged is supposed to be this amazing thing but i feel like the person whos opinion i care most about isnt happy for me and i feel like im supposed to feel ashamed for finally being lucky in love.. i wish that they could be happy with me and know that things would never change between us and honestly believe that..

i hate my job but love the people i work with.. i feel so comfortable with my knowledge of what my job requires and im too afraid to leave it behind and get better one.. i worry that i wont be able to escape my dead end job because of all my insecurities with change..

the worst part is the people i want to share these feelings with i cant for some reason or another.. some just arent here anymore.. others never have been.. and some seem like they dont want to be involved.. and so i keep all these thoughts and feelings to myself.. hoping things will fall into place eventually..

oth + me

sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there because you cant remember a time when it wasn't.. but one day you feel something else.. something that feels wrong only because it feels so unfamiliar and in that moment you realize you're happy.. but in an instant that pain rushes back .. it happens so fast that you remember why you always kept your guard up.. and now your left wishing for that foreign happy feeling with no reprieve..

that old poet in me..

the light in your eyes sparks the poet in me..
makes her lips flow with words from my past..
those i love yous and forevers..
play tricks with our heart..
shatters it like a thousand mirrors..
those i love yous and forevers..
words i never thought she would utter again..
words i cant wait to say.

[theres something in the way you move.]

like a virgin

yay for my first blog post! *sigh*.. i cant help look back on those good yet ridiculously emo times with xanga.. how we miss you..

[fads come and go.. but love will always be fashionable..]